he loves me, he loves me not.

Valentines' day.

Bah humbug!

Normally that would be my response as any other years. But I don't know why this year, it feels different. I wasn't always like this, if you must know.

I grew up with Disney movies, Pocahontas, Cinderella, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Mulan, Beauty and The Beast, The Little Mermaid, etc. You name it. I've watched it.

So when I was young, I believed it all. They taught me the existence of once upon a time, love at first sight, soul-mates, everlasting love, true love's kiss, love triumphs above all, love against all odds, and most importantly, happily ever after.

But as I grew up, all of it began to fade. I watched as every thing that I once believed in fall apart. I watched as more and more relationships fall apart. I watched as communication recedes. So I stopped believing, I stopped deluding myself, I stopped creating fantasies. I.LOST.FAITH.

So I create a wall around myself, brick by boring brick, to block out any possible feelings I might have for someone. Or anyone. I treat attention and affection with indifference. I choose to play dumb and ignorant. Safeguarding myself. And my heart.

I have to admit that I do get a little smug every now and then whenever I see couples fighting/arguing or when break-ups/relationship-failures occur. I kept thinking "Thank God I don't have to go through that. Ever!" or "See? When you open your heart, you're only exposing yourself to more hurt and pain."

But once in a while, when I'm in a melancholic mood, I can't help but feel a little lonely sometimes. I CRAVE someone to SMS/call, someone to cuddle, someone to hug me, make me feel better, to tell me everything's going to be alright, kiss me on my forehead, stuff like that.

But then, where the hell could you find a guy like that, a guy who is at my beck and call? (Think what!? Dog ah!?) When I want him, he will always be there for me, but when I feel suffocated, he will just "disappear" till I have a need for him again. No strings attached. Any takers?

Hahahaha. Didn't think so.