he loves me, he loves me not.

Valentines' day.

Bah humbug!

Normally that would be my response as any other years. But I don't know why this year, it feels different. I wasn't always like this, if you must know.

I grew up with Disney movies, Pocahontas, Cinderella, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Mulan, Beauty and The Beast, The Little Mermaid, etc. You name it. I've watched it.

So when I was young, I believed it all. They taught me the existence of once upon a time, love at first sight, soul-mates, everlasting love, true love's kiss, love triumphs above all, love against all odds, and most importantly, happily ever after.

But as I grew up, all of it began to fade. I watched as every thing that I once believed in fall apart. I watched as more and more relationships fall apart. I watched as communication recedes. So I stopped believing, I stopped deluding myself, I stopped creating fantasies. I.LOST.FAITH.

So I create a wall around myself, brick by boring brick, to block out any possible feelings I might have for someone. Or anyone. I treat attention and affection with indifference. I choose to play dumb and ignorant. Safeguarding myself. And my heart.

I have to admit that I do get a little smug every now and then whenever I see couples fighting/arguing or when break-ups/relationship-failures occur. I kept thinking "Thank God I don't have to go through that. Ever!" or "See? When you open your heart, you're only exposing yourself to more hurt and pain."

But once in a while, when I'm in a melancholic mood, I can't help but feel a little lonely sometimes. I CRAVE someone to SMS/call, someone to cuddle, someone to hug me, make me feel better, to tell me everything's going to be alright, kiss me on my forehead, stuff like that.

But then, where the hell could you find a guy like that, a guy who is at my beck and call? (Think what!? Dog ah!?) When I want him, he will always be there for me, but when I feel suffocated, he will just "disappear" till I have a need for him again. No strings attached. Any takers?

Hahahaha. Didn't think so.

What is love?

What is LOVE?

Is your heart racing, your palms sweaty and your voice caught within your chest?
It's not LOVE. It's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of him?
It's not LOVE. It's LUST.

Do you feel proud and eager to show him off?
It's not LOVE. It's PRIDE.

Do you want him because you know he's there?
It's not LOVE. It's LONELINESS.

Are you with him because it's what everyone wants?
It's not LOVE. It's LOYALTY.

Are you with him because he kissed you or held your hand?
It's not LOVE. It's LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE.

Do you stay for his confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt him?
It's not LOVE. It's PITY.

Do you belong to him because just the sight of him makes your heart skip a beat?
It's not LOVE. It's INFATUATION.

Do you forgive his faults because you care about him?
It's not LOVE. It's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell him everyday that he is the only one you think of?
It's not LOVE. It's A LIE.

Are you willing to give up all your favourite things for his sake?
It's not LOVE. It's CHARITY.

Answered prayer

I got it!! After two weeks of waiting in pure agony, I got it!! Would love to share with everyone who reads this humble blog of mine, but I shall keep this to myself for awhile. You know, just in case, I jinx it or sth. Later, end up, I get hurt or disappointed, all over again. So, just bear with me for awhile and be happy for me first, aitez!? :D

Dr Doom

I used to think that there is no way out of this. All of us will be stuck like this till the day we gain our own independence. Or till the day each of us heave our last breath.

But then, tragedy struck. Slowly, we all started gathering again. We learn to support each other again, licking each others wounds, learning to share again. And once again, I thought maybe, just maybe, there is hope for us after all.

But I guess some things are just not meant to be. We all revert back to our old ways. And once again, things were back to the way they were.

Trust your instincts, they all say. I guess I was right the first time. We're doomed. Doomed till the day we die.

And people wonder why I lost faith in this kind of things.

Go figure.