one-way ticket

Do you ever had the experience of wanting to help an elderly or a physically-disabled person, but never got to do so despite the person in question being right in front of you?

I did. Plenty of times.

One example. Giving up seats on the bus or the MRT. Sometimes I see people who need those seats more than me and I had thought about giving my seat to them (even if it's not a reserved seat) but I never get to do so since others always beat me to it. Then I will feel really guilty for having a seat and always imagine other commuters giving me evil stares for being so inconsiderate.

Since then, I always choose to stand in the bus or MRT (unless there are plenty of seats available) so I won't have to actually give up my seat as I am not sitting on one in the first place. Ya, I know. I'm psycho that way.

And then, there is today's incident. I was on my way to work when I encountered this visibly-challenged man at the bus-stop. I shall refuse to call him b***d. I feel like it's just plain in-your-face rude, even if it is the technical name for that disability.) I had noticed him before during my poly days, waiting for the SBS 198. When I saw a 198 approaching, I had the intention to ask him if he wanted to board that bus. But I didn't.

Maybe I just lack the courage to do something this big of a good deed. (It may not seem like a huge deal, helping a visibly-challenged man, but in my head, it is a huge deal, considering I can be a real cold-hearted bitch.)

Maybe it's the fear that the man or the people around me might think that I was being a busybody or a big show-off or something. The man might also think that I'm looking down on him, thinking that he is incapable of taking care of himself or getting himself somewhere.

Or maybe he wasn't waiting for a 198 at all, and that would like make me really2 paiseh.

So I didn't. Excuses, excuses. I know. But I can't help it, can I? I'm a pure-bred Singaporean, and for some reason, our mindsets are wired that way. To fear every single thing. Not to be risk-takers. To never do things that you are not really sure of.

But it turned out, being all that never helps. True enough, I found out that he was waiting for a 198, after that 198 has just passed. In my head, I was like, "FUCK!" and regretted not asking him.

So, my point is, I had a good intention. Just that, I did not act on it, for fear of many irrational things. Am I still going to hell for this?