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Sunday, May 23, 2010
Jane part 2: Jane's mask

It was all Jane could do not to cry.
For years, Jane had silently accepted all of it.
Trying to patch things up.
Trying to make things right.
Trying to make peace.
Trying to hold everything together.
Trying to remain in the good books.

But the results remain the same.
Jane has now come to see the truth in clarity.
She was undeserving back then.
She was still undeserving now.
And she will, always and forever, be undeserving.

Many feared for Jane.
Many were worried about how Jane would turn out.
Therefore, Jane made a promise to herself.
Never to shed a tear any longer for that woman.
So she bit her lip and kept real quiet.

She pretended as if the words did not concern her.
She pretended as if the woman was not talking about her.
She pretended as if the words did not affect her.

But for how long can Jane keep up the charade?
For how long can Jane pretend she did not care?
For how long can she suppress her tears?
Even when her heart feels like its torn into a million pieces?
For how long can Jane hide behind her mask?

~ { 7:32 PM }
~till next time.. XOXO ♥~

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Jane Part 1: She Will Cry No More

A FEW WEEKS BACK

JANE: Mama. My graduation is in the middle of May. So.. Umm.. You want to come?

MAMA: Oh. I don't think there is a need for me to come. I already saw you graduate 13 years ago while you were in kindergarten.

JANE: Kindergarten!? Seriously!?

MAMA: You, all dressed up in the graduation robes with the mortarboard, posing with that piece of rolled-up paper. Now you are all grown-up. You don't need me there. (smiles)

Back then, Jane thought it was her mother's idea of a humorous joke as she seemed to be in a very comical, joke-y mood that day. So Jane thought nothing of it.

Well, of course Jane waved it off as a joke. It's not like Jane would go on her knees and beg her mum to come or something. Pride, or whatever you call it. Besides, which parent would intentionally not want to watch their child graduate, right?

So Jane weaved her own little fantasies about how both her parents would put aside their differences for this one special day and turn up for the ceremony together. After all, it is Jane's Day. How hard they would applaude when Jane's name was announced. How they would be beaming with pride as Jane walked across the stage to receive that piece of rolled-up paper. How their pride would be reflected in their eyes as Jane took graduation photographs with them.

3 DAYS BEFORE GRADUATION

JANE: (thought to herself) Eh? Her name is on schedule till 1pm? But my ceremony starts at 2pm. She didn't apply for annual leave?

The thought kept bugging Jane as she worked that day. The kind of feeling where no matter how hard you try to brush it off, it just won't go away. And then, Jane remembered something.

JANE: Maybe.. Just maybe.. Yup.. That's got to be it..

And, that thought cheered Jane up for the rest of the entire day. Sometimes, Jane's mum makes an impromptu decision to not show up to work claiming she was on MC, should she requires/wants/needs to be someplace else.

Just like the time when she took MC to accompany Jane at the hospital when Jane had her surgery. So this could be one of those rare moments.

But, boy, was she wrong.

GRADUATION DAY

Only Jane's dad came that day. Though Jane was thankful that her dad was there with her, still she felt horrible inside. Jane could not believe that her mum would intentionally skipped her graduation ceremony. Why does her work takes priority over Jane? What in the world could be more important/significant than Jane's graduation ceremony? As a result, somehow, Jane can't seem to be able to feel the mood, the "Yay!-I'm-so-happy-I'm-finally-graduating-from-SP" feeling.

However, all you could see was that day was Jane, with smiles all around, seemingly relieved + rejoiced that that part of her life is finally over.

But it was just a mask. The mask Jane constantly carries everywhere and puts on for all to see, hiding her true feelings, deep in her heart, among all the other heartaches accumulated throughout the years. The mask that will hide Jane's vulnerability.

The pain. The heartbreak. The disappointment.

~ { 10:11 PM }
~till next time.. XOXO ♥~

Wednesday, May 12, 2010
giving up?

there's a point in life
when you get tired of chasing everyone,
tired of trying to fix everything..

but that's not "giving up"..
it's just that ONE significant moment
when u realized,
you dun need certain people..
AND their crap..

ps. when will my moment come?

~ { 12:29 PM }
~till next time.. XOXO ♥~

Monday, May 10, 2010
jaywalkers

it's true wad they always say. u can never truly understand wad the other party feels until u are "in their shoes".

i admit. i'll even shout it from the rooftops, display it on billboards, if u want. but for now i'll just do it here.

"YES!! I AM A JAYWALKER!!"

i hate to use pedestrian crossings. especially a friggin' overhead bridge. even if i do use a pedestrian crossing, i cross at my own time. i do not wait for the Green Man. i just madly dash across the road (though i do look left-right-left first before crossing).

i was once involved in a near-accident. i was dashing across the road despite an overhead bridge nearby and was nearly knocked down by a car. thankfully the car was travelling at relative low speed. if not, i would not be here, blogging to u about this.

but did that teach me a lesson about road safety?? NO!!! i still treat the road as if it belongs to DADDY. and flicked fingers (well, just one finger actually) at drivers who beeped their horns at me whenever i cross roads.

but today, i truly understand why these drivers who beeped their horns at me, who get fingers (oops! finger..) flicked at them, hate jaywalkers like me. it's because it's causing them lots of trouble. not only do drivers have to keep a look out for potential hazards on the roads, the junctions, pedestrian crossings, traffic signals, etc, etc, etc. now they would have to keep a look-out for jaywalkers as well. wtf!?

seriously man! take for example. during my practical session just now, i saw this stupid uncle jaywalking across the road. in the past, i'll just dun care. but now that i've learnt the road safety stuff, i got mad. how can i not be!? THERE WAS A GODDAMN ZEBRA CROSSING, LIKE 3 STEPS TO HIS LEFT!! and still he decided to jaywalk.. fuckfuckfuck! since my instructor was right beside me, all i could do was slow down so the uncle could cross safely, but inside my head AND heart, only God can hear my super-colourful vocbulary.

sheesh!

~ { 10:56 PM }
~till next time.. XOXO ♥~

Wednesday, May 5, 2010
the future seems bleak

i've been thinking a lot of stuff this days.. ppl are leaving.. the NS guys - RYAN, KENNETH, A'RIP - going into camp to serve the nation and be a man.. HUIWEN is going to Adelaide to further her studies..

but.. as for me.. i'm still right here.. clueless as ever.. it's like, in the past, my path has already been set for me.. primary sch, take PSLE, secondary sch, take O'Levels, Singapore Polytechnic.. my progress moves smoothly without a hitch.. i was able to climb higher, go on studying, without obstacles.. but now i can't go any further.. i can't make it to any of the local universities bcz of my below average GPA.. i feel like i've come to a dead end.. so.. [throw PLAN A out the window]

so that's when PLAN B is supposed to come in handy.. problem is, i dun exactly have a PLAN B. coz i was kinda depending on PLAN A, juz like in the past.. so i din't actually came up wif a PLAN B thinking that it was unnecessary.. and boy, was i wrong! now i'm forced to think of alternatives.. i intend to work in the service sector, specifically the tourism/hotel industry.. that is where my interest lies.. however, most of the higher post job vacancies require someone of experience in the sector.. me, i only have the customer service experience working at McDonalds.. so, after pondering for a few days.. i have 2 alternatives. but i duno which is better..

1ST CHOICE:
get my degree @ MDIS - Bachelor of Science (Hons) International Tourism and Hospitality Management OR Bachelor of Business in Hotel and Resort Management in the day while still working part-time at McDonalds as a 2nd Assistant Manager/Floor Manager in the evenings..
ADVANTAGES:
i get my degree and my experience in a supervisory position at the same time. not only that, i would gain a better advantage as i would have learnt (hopefully so) inventory control, human resource management, shift management, etc. considering the fact that McDonalds provide good training. my experience would be an added advantage when i decided to quit being a McDonald manager to apply for a supervisory/management position in the hotel/tourism industry.
DISADVANTAGES:
i might not be able to commit fully to working at McDonalds. being a manager is a huge responsibility. i'm afraid my work commitments might interfere with my studies, especially during busy project periods and internship programme period. besides, i tink that i might not be able to have enough rest and it might be too tiring for me.

2ND CHOICE:
start working in the hotel/tourism industry in a junior position and work my way up. if possible, should my work schedule permits, i'd still like to continue studying. evening classes though.
ADVANTAGES:
i get to start working in the hotel/tourism right away, a work environment of my interest and hopefully get that degree as i climb the career ladder.
DISADVANTAGES:
it might take me quite a while, perhaps a few years, before i can be reach that high ranking position in that industry. also, my work schedule may hinder my studies, for example, i may be required to work during the evening shifts, which will clash with my evening classes.

so i decide to talk to my restaurant manager about it, who referred me to her boss, MICKEY, who is one of McDonald's many Business Consultants(BC). she sat down and talked to me for like 20-30 minutes, discussing about my choices. there was lots of stuff she said which i couldn't really remember or understand. but there was one which stuck in my mind.

from she has observed of my work attitude during her visits to McDonald JE24, she feels that i might make a fair manager. however, from my managers feedbacks, she find that i am rather inflexible, in terms of adaptability. she knows about my constant refusal to be "attached" to other stores.

well i can't help it if my attitude/character is that way, u know. i'm just not able to adapt to new surroundings very well. a low-risk taker, someone who is always afraid to try something new. i tend to feel very lost, alone and clueless when i'm thrown into an "alien" environment. so i will tend to withdraw myself and people will mistake me for an anti-social. -.-

me!? anti-social!? some may find it hard to believe as they have seen me going crazy, acting like a bloody maniac, going "hehe-haha" most of the time. that's because i have grown comfortable around these people. that's why. even when i first started working at McDonald, i was a shy, quiet 17-year-old. but now at 20, my new riders seem to think that it was impossible that i was an introvert back then. ahahaha. as i always said, "dari orang yang pemalu, jadi orang yang tak tau malu!"

okay. i just realised i'm digressing. so back to MICKEY. so based on what she see, not speaking as a BC of McDonald, she feels that i should start working directly in the hotel/tourism industry, even if it means working at the reception, which means i'll be choosing my 2ND CHOICE. because she's afraid that i might not be able to work effectively in the management position in the hotel/tourism industry as my mindset is already pre-set to the management of a fastfood restaurant, which is totally different. also, she's afraid that i might not be able to cope with the heavy responsibility of hotel/tourism management when i don't have the time yet to adapt myself to the new working environment.

so, what do you guys think?

~ { 12:05 PM }
~till next time.. XOXO ♥~